A Walk Down Recovery Lane with Jenni Schaefer

Jenni Schaefer is the author of two books- Life Without Ed and more recently, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. She is an activist, educator and motivational speaker, seeking to raise awareness about eating disorders. She is also a musician; she writes music and sings! She recently gave an interview (back in November) sharing her thoughts about being in recovery from an eating disorder. Her most recent book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me is focused on her life post- ED (the name she gave her eating disorder) and her experience of living and loving life without ED! Below is the interview, copy and pasted from November 4th's Planet Blacksburg, the collegiate publication of Virginia Tech.

Q: How would you describe a life of suffering with an eating disorder?

Schaefer: It’s a complicated illness, it doesn’t make sense. I always ate normal when I was around my family. I didn’t really think I had a problem. I knew there was something wrong but didn’t define that as a problem. The denial is so huge in this disease. My friends would comment on my weight, but I thought everyone was jealous. I was lying to myself, not them.

Q: Describe the relationship that you formed with Ed.
Schaefer: I was always depressed. I thought I was never going to get better. My therapist, Thom, kept telling me that was Ed, not Jenni. The eating disorder was my identity. I really thought I was the eating disorder. We label ourselves as the anorexic girl, or the skinniest girl in the world, or the bulimic girl. But that’s not us. And we really grieve when we have to let that identity go.

Q: Your eating disorder started in college. What exactly prompted it?
Schaefer: I have an older brother and a younger brother, and I was the perfect child going to medical school. I appeared to have this perfect life and I always smiled. I knew instantly it was about perfectionism. I was always called ‘Perfect Jenni.’ It was about criticism, and very low self esteem. I realized that my eating disorder helped me control emotions and feelings. I struggled with Ed thoughts at the young age of four. These thoughts grew louder as I grew older. I didn't question the thoughts until I was 22 and at rock bottom.

Q: Who was the first person you told?
Schaefer: I finally got up the courage to tell my ex-boyfriend at the time. I was so ashamed. I was silenced by my eating disorder. I had him tell my parents. I didn’t want anyone to know, not even my brothers. My eating disorder was not going to get better if I stayed silent. I tend to have black and white thinking. That’s part of my recovery, to fight that. Nobody’s going to know, or everybody’s going to know.

Q: How did your family react when they discovered you had an eating disorder?
Schaefer: I remember my mom calling me after she found out I was struggling and getting help. Knowing that my mom went to a library and was trying to learn more showed me that she really cared. Both of my brothers never realized that someone could be struggling with something so deadly, but appear to be so normal. They thought someone with an eating disorder was extremely emaciated like those you see on TV.

Q: One of your famous quotes is, “Never married, but happily divorced.” Can you explain this?
Schaefer: I am divorced from my eating disorder, not a person. I was actually taught by my psychotherapist in recovery to treat my eating disorder as an abusive boyfriend, or husband. Really, that’s how it felt. I felt controlled and abused by my eating disorder. Ed actually had a chair in our therapy sessions.

Q: In your interviews you never discuss your lowest or highest weight throughout your treatment. Why is that?
Schaefer: You can be any size and have an eating disorder. It’s not about food or weight, it’s not about size. That doesn’t matter. It’s really about what’s inside. It’s a huge paradox; it’s not about the food and weight, but it’s all about the food and weight. Definitely don’t talk about specific behaviors. People use numbers as bullets.

Q: Do you believe recovery is possible for all individuals?
Schaefer: It’s a constant process. Recovery is a very long process. But I do believe you can be recovered. Food is something we deal with at least three times a day. It’s not something you can just quit, give up. With an eating disorder, it’s a continuum. It’s something you have to do every day, three times a day. It’s a real struggle to find the balance with food. Food is everywhere. It’s how you celebrate holidays, and it’s how you celebrate birthdays.

Q: Then how were you able to recover?
Schaefer: That is a million dollar question. I think there are so many aspects of eating disorder recovery. For me, it was about using all the resources I had and constantly staying connected to my therapist, to my family, to my doctor, and not isolating. It was also never giving up. Every time I relapsed I had to stand back up again. My favorite quote is, “fall down 7 times, stand up 8.” It’s very, very frustrating and very, very hard. It’s a spiritual process as well. We don’t want to talk about higher power; we hate them because we think they gave us the eating disorder. It was a big disconnect.

Q: Describe this disconnect.
Schaefer: You disconnect with everybody. I had spent 10 years trying to avoid my friends. I alienated all my friends. I’d say, “I am completely self sufficient.”

Q: So how did you reconnect with God?
Schaefer: First of all, I had to just yell. I had a journal about how God hates me, and listed all the reasons. For me, I really had to meet people in my life that were spiritually fit, spiritually healthy; who had a good relationship with God. I had to look to those people as guides and mentors. It’s not what happens to us, but it’s how we respond to it. Use things that happen in a positive way. Turn it around.

Q: During your recovery process, when you would fall into a pit of relapses, how would you pull yourself out?
Schaefer: I fell into relapse often. In fact, it got worse before it ever started getting better. I had to hold onto hope that recovery is possible. Connecting with others always helped.

Q: What inspired you to finally make a change, accept help, and move forward with your life, independent of Ed?
Schaefer: Like I said above, I got help because I hit rock bottom at 22. I was depressed and hopeless. I couldn't function as a productive member of society. I often couldn't get out of bed.

Q: How did you realize that you actually wanted to recover?
Schaefer: I was frequently afraid to let Ed go. Ed was my main way of coping with life. To fully let Ed go, I had to find other ways to deal with life. I also had to be willing to let go of the things I "liked" about Ed. I liked how Ed made me feel special (i.e. being the thinnest one in the room). I had to find other ways to feel special: by just being myself.

Q: What advice would you give to others suffering with Ed?
Schaefer: I can’t emphasize enough the importance of telling someone and getting professional help. Making one phone call; that is such a key to start with. Learning how to love myself was a key. A real key.

For more information on Jenni Schaefer, or to find out more about either of her books, follow this link to access her website. For the original interview, follow this link.

Maybe the Grinch Was Depressed... ?

Merry late Christmas everyone! Better late than never, right? :) I have been so busy and wish I could have posted sooner, but again... better late than never!!

Even though this post has to do with the holidays, and Christmas is now 364 days away, I think that we are still on the heels of the holiday season. We still have to make it through that awkward week after Christmas/week before New Years- a time that is often used to reflect on the past year while pondering the new one. While we all have things to be thankful for, sometimes the holidays can be overwhelming and the thought of a new year can be daunting.

For this reason, and many others (family stress, financial stress, eating disorder/body image stress), the holidays are not an uncommon time for people to feel sad, grumpy, irritable, ... depressed! I came across an article about depression in which psychologist Cynthia Bulik uses the Grinch as an example of one who exhibits symptoms of depression. In this article (which is titled, Grinch Likely Depressed, Suffers From Lack of Love, Joy) she says, "Everybody's always down on the Grinch. But one of the things I've always asked myself is whether the Grinch himself might be feeling kind of down." She uses him as an example (and it's so cute) which helps to illustrate the different forms that depression can take. What is important to realize is that while often we associate depression with people who are sad, people that are depressed may exhibit little sadness and more irritability, general feelings of misery, and/or social withdrawal.

To read this article, and to find out more about depression, follow this link. And to read a great blog post on assessing depression written by one of my favorite therapist friends,Whitney, follow this link.

A Wake-Up Call

One of my all-time favorite movies is Clueless. Say what you want about it, but everything about it makes me laugh. My best friend gave me that movie for my birthday shortly after it came out years ago, and I probably know all of the words by heart. When I heard Sunday that Brittany Murphy, the actress who played Tai in this movie, was found unconscious and died of cardiac arrest, I could not believe it. She was only 32 years old- so tragic.

There is a lot of speculation surrounding her death- she has been plagued with rumors of drug use, as well as an eating disorder. At this point, it is all speculation, but what is clear is that the most recent pictures published of her show her looking extremely emaciated. I was not planning on blogging about her, but I have had quite a few conversations about her death in the last two days with my clients that have really been making me think. A lot of the girls and women that I work with have eating disorders, and Brittany Murphy's death has possibly serious implications for those with anorexia, and eating disorders. As I mentioned before, no one really knows what caused her death. But what statistics tell us is that anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. In fact, according to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), females between the ages of 15 and 24 who suffer from anorexia nervosa experience a death rate that is 12 times higher than the death rate of all other causes of death. Just to be clear, this statistic only applies to those suffering with anorexia-- this does not mean that the leading cause of death among females who are between 15 and 24 is anorexia.

This week as I have heard clients question and ponder what ultimately killed Brittany Murphy (investigators said it was 'natural causes' but what is natural about dying at 32?), I have been struck by something else. Regardless of which self-destructive behavior (eating disorder, drugs, etc) may have contributed to her death, I think there is an important lesson that can be learned from this whole situation. It appears that Brittany's friends and fellow actors were not as shocked to hear about her death as the rest of us- apparently, she had been exhibiting erratic behavior as of late, and they were all very concerned about her shrinking frame. I think her death is a wake-up call. No matter what ultimately caused her death, her tragic exit from this world demonstrates that we are fragile. So many people with eating disorders think that they are immune from the dire health consequences that result from eating disorders, especially death; likewise, often those with drug dependencies and addictions often think that nothing bad will happen to them as a result of their drug use, including death. But death can happen and it does happen. And it is so important to take mental illness and self-destructive behaviors seriously! If you know someone who is practicing self-destructive habits, or is engaging in harmful behaviors, or you yourself are engaging in these behaviors, please seek help. This is such a serious issue. Hopefully Brittany Murphy's death will not be in vain- and will serve as a warning for others who are walking this fine line of danger.

If you or someone that you know is interested in finding out about receiving help to deal with an eating disorder, follow this link. To find out more about receiving help for a drug related issue, click here.

Brothers

I have been wanting to see the movie Brothers, so I finally went and saw it the other night! It's a powerful movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman and Tobey Maguire that examines the effects (mostly psychological) of war on one's family and its impact on familial relationships. Because this is not Rotten Tomatoes, the movie review website :), I will refrain from giving you a play by play on the movie - but if you are interested, follow this link to read some reviews. The reason I bring up this movie is not because I just want to talk about the movie... Rather, I had an interesting observation as I watched it that got me thinking more about the way that men and women are portrayed in the media, specifically as it relates to body image.

In this movie, Toby Maguire plays a Marine who is held as a prisoner of war. He is tortured and starved. For the role, he had to lose a considerable amount of weight. I noticed that he looked significantly underweight throughout the movie, and my friend who I was with noticed this too. Well, when I got home, I wanted to read some reviews about the movie because 1) i'm kind of a nerd, but 2) it had a pretty powerful message and I was curious how other people had interpreted its meaning. In the process, I came across some interviews done by Maguire where he discussed how he was required to lose a substantial amount of weight for the role. He mentioned that he only had a couple of weeks to drop the weight, and while he did consult a nutritionist one time before he began his weight loss, he admitted that he used very unhealthy means to reach his goal.

I guess what struck me about this is the fact that a majority of Hollywood actresses are significantly underweight all the time, and for the most part, the media views this as 'normal.' While magazines may write stories about which actress used which diet to lose weight fast, you typically hear stories about women being praised for losing drastic amounts of weight, even if it is unhealthy. I think what this illustration demonstrates is that when a woman is underweight, it is not really newsworthy because it is sort of an expectation as the ideal standard of beauty, whereas when a man loses too much weight, it is recognized as unhealthy-- it is assumed that he will return to his normal, healthy weight once the filming for his movie has reached completion. Why is it that we can recognize unhealthy weight and disordered behaviors in men and fail to do so with women? Being silent communicates acceptance, so when an actress is too thin, is cast in movies and people rave about her beauty, it sends a message that she is beautiful and okay. This message is a dangerous one.

I guess the culmination of my thoughts on Tobey Maguire amounted to more confirmation of my desire to increase awareness of the ways in which the media can be confusing and tricky with their double standards and messages. I think it is important to be aware of these mixed messages so as to avoid buying into the values and deceptions in them. I have mentioned the organization About-Face before in another post (click here to read it). It's main goal is to promote health by helping women to resist damaging messages from the media about their bodies and self-esteem. I recommend checking it out! To access their website, follow this link. In the mean time, be discerning as you interact with culture and media, and do not be afraid to be critical about what you see and observe...

GoodSearch: Raise Money for Eating Disorder Non-Profits With a Click of Your Mouse

An acquaintance of mine who works at a non-profit organization recently pointed out something amazing to me- GoodSearch. It is a search engine powered by Yahoo that can be used to search for anything online. What makes this search engine unique is that you can select a non-profit organization of your choice each time that you perform a search and money is donated to that non-profit! Each time you perform a search! Pretty incredible! The only minor catch is that GoodSearch has a pre-approved list of non-profits (86,389 to be exact) from which you can choose, which means your particular cause may not be listed; however, if you have a non-profit that you wish to add, you can submit it for approval. It might sound a little too easy... perform a search online, raise money! But it's not! :) A portion of the money that is generated from advertising is sent to the non-profit that you have selected. GoodSearch's mission is to help people support their favorite causes, charities and/or non-profits by doing a simple, everyday task.

If you would like to raise money to fund eating disorder research, or to support eating disorder/body image non-profit organizations, here are some of the non-profits already approved:

• National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Eating Disorders (ANAD)
• National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)
• National Association for Males with Eating Disorders (NAMED)
• The Body Positive
• The Joy Project (MN)

To read more about this site, click HERE. And to use the search engine, follow THIS LINK.