Who Do You Want to be in 2010?

So, in my last post, I talked a little bit about behavioral change, neural pathways and New Year's resolutions (yawn- haha). I think one of the important points that I was trying to make is that change can be difficult. However, it is not impossible or too difficult to attempt! I am all for change and love when people become inspired to grow and change in any way- that is one reason I do what I do! I think it is important though to be educated about the process of change as it helps to make sense of why some changes can be more difficult to make than others (which goes back to neural pathways, the brain and emotions).

I am going to rewind for a minute and talk strictly about New Year's resolutions and the pervasive nature/themes of New Year resolutions. If you were to take an inventory of the last few days, or even the last week, how many articles, commercials, conversations or facebook statuses have you noticed or observed that have had to do with weight loss, calories, fitness regimes, detox diets, plans for getting in shape, etc... ? I know that I have seen and encountered countless. I think often times New Year's resolutions are synonymous with weight loss and fitness goals. Out of curiosity, I googled New Year's resolutions to see what would come up, and about.com's top ten list of the most common resolutions popped up first in my search. Up to this point, I had never heard of about.com, but I am a sucker for lists and couldn't pass up finding out what made their top ten. Here it is:

1. Spend more time with family and friends.
2. Fit in fitness
3. Tame the bulge
4. Quit smoking
5. Enjoy life more
6. Quit drinking
7. Get out of debt
8. Learn something new
9. Help others
10. Get organized

It didn't surprise me at all that two of the top ten resolutions involved fitness or weight (as it reflects the values and messages that our society and media hold), but what did surprise me was that helping others, learning something new and enjoying life more were all on the bottom half of the list. There is certainly value in being healthy, and I think health should be a priority. If this means that in order to be healthy, you need to gain a few pounds, or lose a few pounds, then I encourage you to pursue health. But it is important to view health not solely as a physical thing- our health is more than just a physical measure. It also includes our mental health, our spiritual health and our emotional health. I think before we make any resolutions, or goals for ourselves, we may need to step back to see if these goals are consistent with our values and who we want to be before we move forward with them!

Maybe one thing that you can do instead of making a list of New Year's resolutions is to think about the kind of person that you want to be in 2010. Take a close look at what is influencing and shaping you as a person. Is it friends? Is it the media? Is it God? Is it family? It might be helpful to consider the sources of influence in your life, and decide if they are positive and helpful in becoming the person that you were made to be! I heard someone wise say that whether we know it or not, we all worship something based on how we live our lives and what we give our time, our attention, and our thoughts to. For some of us, there are great obstacles and challenges to overcome in order to be the person that we want to be, but there is hope in pursuing a life that is filled with meaning, intention and purpose. I would encourage you, as I encourage myself as well, to examine the kind of person that you want to be, the character traits and qualities that you want to exhibit, the experiences you want to have, and the life you want to live- and move forward in a direction that is consistent with those things.

Recovery- Part 2... Shine Your Light

If you or someone that you know is in recovery from an eating disorder, here is an awesome opportunity... so please take note!!

The Renfrew Center Foundation is offering a FREE seminar on January 5, 2010 at 9 different locations. The seminar is entitled Home for the Holidays: Shine Your Light and topics advertised as included for the workshop are:

*eating challenges during holidays

*how to alleviate holiday stress and pressure

*taking responsibility for your own health and recovery

*survival strategies to stay focused on your recovery

*creating and sustaining relationships at home, work and school.

For a little background.. The Renfrew Center was the first freestanding facility in the US for specifically treating eating disorders, and they now have seven facilities in five different states. The Renfrew Center Foundation is a non-profit organization that serves to educate and train professionals, promote healthy body image, conduct research, advocate and educate policy makers, and provide assistance for women and girls. It receives its funding from The Renfrew Center, as well as private donors. The Renfrew Center and The Renfrew Center Foundation are committed to raising awareness about eating disorders as well as treating them; together they have had a significant impact on the lives of many young girls and women.

If this interests you, these FREE workshops are being held in Radnor, PA; Coconut Creek, FL; New York, NY; Ridgewood, NJ; Wilton, CT; Bethesda, MD; Charlotte, NC; Brentwood, TN; Dallas, TX. If you are close to one of these locations or desire to travel to one of them and are interested in attending, follow this link to register. If you are interested in attending the Florida location, click here as the registration is different.

A Walk Down Recovery Lane with Jenni Schaefer

Jenni Schaefer is the author of two books- Life Without Ed and more recently, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. She is an activist, educator and motivational speaker, seeking to raise awareness about eating disorders. She is also a musician; she writes music and sings! She recently gave an interview (back in November) sharing her thoughts about being in recovery from an eating disorder. Her most recent book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me is focused on her life post- ED (the name she gave her eating disorder) and her experience of living and loving life without ED! Below is the interview, copy and pasted from November 4th's Planet Blacksburg, the collegiate publication of Virginia Tech.

Q: How would you describe a life of suffering with an eating disorder?

Schaefer: It’s a complicated illness, it doesn’t make sense. I always ate normal when I was around my family. I didn’t really think I had a problem. I knew there was something wrong but didn’t define that as a problem. The denial is so huge in this disease. My friends would comment on my weight, but I thought everyone was jealous. I was lying to myself, not them.

Q: Describe the relationship that you formed with Ed.
Schaefer: I was always depressed. I thought I was never going to get better. My therapist, Thom, kept telling me that was Ed, not Jenni. The eating disorder was my identity. I really thought I was the eating disorder. We label ourselves as the anorexic girl, or the skinniest girl in the world, or the bulimic girl. But that’s not us. And we really grieve when we have to let that identity go.

Q: Your eating disorder started in college. What exactly prompted it?
Schaefer: I have an older brother and a younger brother, and I was the perfect child going to medical school. I appeared to have this perfect life and I always smiled. I knew instantly it was about perfectionism. I was always called ‘Perfect Jenni.’ It was about criticism, and very low self esteem. I realized that my eating disorder helped me control emotions and feelings. I struggled with Ed thoughts at the young age of four. These thoughts grew louder as I grew older. I didn't question the thoughts until I was 22 and at rock bottom.

Q: Who was the first person you told?
Schaefer: I finally got up the courage to tell my ex-boyfriend at the time. I was so ashamed. I was silenced by my eating disorder. I had him tell my parents. I didn’t want anyone to know, not even my brothers. My eating disorder was not going to get better if I stayed silent. I tend to have black and white thinking. That’s part of my recovery, to fight that. Nobody’s going to know, or everybody’s going to know.

Q: How did your family react when they discovered you had an eating disorder?
Schaefer: I remember my mom calling me after she found out I was struggling and getting help. Knowing that my mom went to a library and was trying to learn more showed me that she really cared. Both of my brothers never realized that someone could be struggling with something so deadly, but appear to be so normal. They thought someone with an eating disorder was extremely emaciated like those you see on TV.

Q: One of your famous quotes is, “Never married, but happily divorced.” Can you explain this?
Schaefer: I am divorced from my eating disorder, not a person. I was actually taught by my psychotherapist in recovery to treat my eating disorder as an abusive boyfriend, or husband. Really, that’s how it felt. I felt controlled and abused by my eating disorder. Ed actually had a chair in our therapy sessions.

Q: In your interviews you never discuss your lowest or highest weight throughout your treatment. Why is that?
Schaefer: You can be any size and have an eating disorder. It’s not about food or weight, it’s not about size. That doesn’t matter. It’s really about what’s inside. It’s a huge paradox; it’s not about the food and weight, but it’s all about the food and weight. Definitely don’t talk about specific behaviors. People use numbers as bullets.

Q: Do you believe recovery is possible for all individuals?
Schaefer: It’s a constant process. Recovery is a very long process. But I do believe you can be recovered. Food is something we deal with at least three times a day. It’s not something you can just quit, give up. With an eating disorder, it’s a continuum. It’s something you have to do every day, three times a day. It’s a real struggle to find the balance with food. Food is everywhere. It’s how you celebrate holidays, and it’s how you celebrate birthdays.

Q: Then how were you able to recover?
Schaefer: That is a million dollar question. I think there are so many aspects of eating disorder recovery. For me, it was about using all the resources I had and constantly staying connected to my therapist, to my family, to my doctor, and not isolating. It was also never giving up. Every time I relapsed I had to stand back up again. My favorite quote is, “fall down 7 times, stand up 8.” It’s very, very frustrating and very, very hard. It’s a spiritual process as well. We don’t want to talk about higher power; we hate them because we think they gave us the eating disorder. It was a big disconnect.

Q: Describe this disconnect.
Schaefer: You disconnect with everybody. I had spent 10 years trying to avoid my friends. I alienated all my friends. I’d say, “I am completely self sufficient.”

Q: So how did you reconnect with God?
Schaefer: First of all, I had to just yell. I had a journal about how God hates me, and listed all the reasons. For me, I really had to meet people in my life that were spiritually fit, spiritually healthy; who had a good relationship with God. I had to look to those people as guides and mentors. It’s not what happens to us, but it’s how we respond to it. Use things that happen in a positive way. Turn it around.

Q: During your recovery process, when you would fall into a pit of relapses, how would you pull yourself out?
Schaefer: I fell into relapse often. In fact, it got worse before it ever started getting better. I had to hold onto hope that recovery is possible. Connecting with others always helped.

Q: What inspired you to finally make a change, accept help, and move forward with your life, independent of Ed?
Schaefer: Like I said above, I got help because I hit rock bottom at 22. I was depressed and hopeless. I couldn't function as a productive member of society. I often couldn't get out of bed.

Q: How did you realize that you actually wanted to recover?
Schaefer: I was frequently afraid to let Ed go. Ed was my main way of coping with life. To fully let Ed go, I had to find other ways to deal with life. I also had to be willing to let go of the things I "liked" about Ed. I liked how Ed made me feel special (i.e. being the thinnest one in the room). I had to find other ways to feel special: by just being myself.

Q: What advice would you give to others suffering with Ed?
Schaefer: I can’t emphasize enough the importance of telling someone and getting professional help. Making one phone call; that is such a key to start with. Learning how to love myself was a key. A real key.

For more information on Jenni Schaefer, or to find out more about either of her books, follow this link to access her website. For the original interview, follow this link.

A Wake-Up Call

One of my all-time favorite movies is Clueless. Say what you want about it, but everything about it makes me laugh. My best friend gave me that movie for my birthday shortly after it came out years ago, and I probably know all of the words by heart. When I heard Sunday that Brittany Murphy, the actress who played Tai in this movie, was found unconscious and died of cardiac arrest, I could not believe it. She was only 32 years old- so tragic.

There is a lot of speculation surrounding her death- she has been plagued with rumors of drug use, as well as an eating disorder. At this point, it is all speculation, but what is clear is that the most recent pictures published of her show her looking extremely emaciated. I was not planning on blogging about her, but I have had quite a few conversations about her death in the last two days with my clients that have really been making me think. A lot of the girls and women that I work with have eating disorders, and Brittany Murphy's death has possibly serious implications for those with anorexia, and eating disorders. As I mentioned before, no one really knows what caused her death. But what statistics tell us is that anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. In fact, according to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), females between the ages of 15 and 24 who suffer from anorexia nervosa experience a death rate that is 12 times higher than the death rate of all other causes of death. Just to be clear, this statistic only applies to those suffering with anorexia-- this does not mean that the leading cause of death among females who are between 15 and 24 is anorexia.

This week as I have heard clients question and ponder what ultimately killed Brittany Murphy (investigators said it was 'natural causes' but what is natural about dying at 32?), I have been struck by something else. Regardless of which self-destructive behavior (eating disorder, drugs, etc) may have contributed to her death, I think there is an important lesson that can be learned from this whole situation. It appears that Brittany's friends and fellow actors were not as shocked to hear about her death as the rest of us- apparently, she had been exhibiting erratic behavior as of late, and they were all very concerned about her shrinking frame. I think her death is a wake-up call. No matter what ultimately caused her death, her tragic exit from this world demonstrates that we are fragile. So many people with eating disorders think that they are immune from the dire health consequences that result from eating disorders, especially death; likewise, often those with drug dependencies and addictions often think that nothing bad will happen to them as a result of their drug use, including death. But death can happen and it does happen. And it is so important to take mental illness and self-destructive behaviors seriously! If you know someone who is practicing self-destructive habits, or is engaging in harmful behaviors, or you yourself are engaging in these behaviors, please seek help. This is such a serious issue. Hopefully Brittany Murphy's death will not be in vain- and will serve as a warning for others who are walking this fine line of danger.

If you or someone that you know is interested in finding out about receiving help to deal with an eating disorder, follow this link. To find out more about receiving help for a drug related issue, click here.

Facials, Kate Moss and About-Face

One thing that I really enjoy in life is a good facial. They are surprisingly relaxing and do wonders for moisturizing your skin :). I was getting a long overdue facial yesterday afternoon, and Angela, the greatest esthetician in the tri-state area (call Mina's in Chapel Hill to get an appointment with her- I'm a big fan of Mina's and apparently Tyler Hansborough is also, who I saw getting his haircut there once..) mentioned that she had been reading my blog. We had such a great conversation about the myths/misperceptions about eating disorders, and the way that our culture and the media deal with the issue of weight and appearance. It was so refreshing to hear her express some of her thoughts, and to hear a voice speaking truth about eating disorders as mental illness- because that is what they are.

As our conversation evolved, we began discussing the comments Kate Moss made recently in an interview that she has since been getting blasted for in the media for making (we were probably mid-facial at this point- haha). For those of you who are unaware of what she said, I hate to bring it to your attention- but when asked if she has a slogan which she lives by, she answered "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Not only was this comment irresponsible, as she is a public figure whom society/the media/the fashion world has deemed beautiful, and who many women look up to and aspire to be like, she is a mother to a 7-year old girl. The implications of her comments are extremely damaging in more ways than I can count. This is a slogan which has inspired many pro-anorexia websites, and is just a very, very destructive way for anyone's thoughts or actions to be guided. Not to mention the values that such a statement reflects. She has since said that her words were taken out of context- and while I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt, I am not sure how those words in any context might mean something different.

Just to be clear, the point of this blog post is not to demonize Kate Moss. I guess it just got me thinking about the media's response to her comments-- I just googled her name and 'her slogan' together, and 487 news articles have been written since she made these comments a few days ago. What I find ironic about this is that the media, who has pretty unanimously rebuked her for making these comments and have said what a horrible influence she is for essentially encouraging and endorsing eating disordered thoughts and behaviors, is also the same source who made her a household name by splashing her unattainable and sickly image everywhere. I think its a very indicting commentary on the mixed messages that the media dispels. What it seems to me that the media communicates is that the explicit message (her slogan) is not acceptable, but the implicit message (how she looks, appears, etc) is. It is a very confusing dichotomy, and one that continues to perpetuate unhealthy body image and unrealistic expectations and standards for young girls and women of all ages.

If you recognize and identify with what I am talking about in regards to the confusing ways the media projects values, I recommend that you check out a website called About-Face. This is an organization whose mission is to "equip women and girls with tools to understand and resist harmful messages that affect self-esteem and body image." This site is not solely for females- if you are a male, you certainly interact with females (as friends, sisters, daughters, wives, girlfriends, etc) and would benefit as well. You can access the site by clicking here. For 10 helpful tips on ways that you can work towards challenging these mixed messages and empowering yourselves and others, follow this link.